Paul likes to make me laugh, because when I’m laughing I’m not crying, or arguing with him. I can’t do either while I’m laughing. Now Johnny tries to make me laugh, too. He hasn’t yet, but I can see him trying. He’s started to recognize me – I can see it in his eyes, ‘Oh, it’s you.’ How do we learn to love? If the world never taught us, then how? Now I think we’re born with that gift, and a few of us, somehow, haven’t lost it. Johnny is like Paul nowadays – he just is. But Johnny has never been anything but what he is – his life has no story yet.

When I met Paul, it took months to start falling into step with my own feelings. It was mostly about sex with a strong handsome guy at the start, and wanting to please him enough that I’d get more. That’s how it started – as a sensation, something I felt against someone else’s skin. What followed filled us while we were distracted. Not like with Johnny. I had no concept that I could love another creature this easily and for no reason. How did I learn that?

We’re at grandfather’s table on a Sunday afternoon with Johnny napping in a padded cabbage crate by the stove and the remains of lunch between us, soup plates and half a rye loaf and a half-emptied carton of plum squares from the Sun Room – and a pile of books on the floor beside us. My Sunday headache is almost gone. Grandfather has lived here alone for the ten years since Mrs Aaronson Senior died, except for the year that Emma and I lived in the storeroom above him when we were really broke.

In a room like this, you see where men put things when no women are near. Basically, we stack things, and Emma doesn’t worry me about it any more. She can’t see the order, but I can. I used to tease her, early days (till I learned to stop – no teasing is unspoken rule number two, which follows no stalking out), about how she kept house for her grandfather in a way she’s never done between us. The sweeping, and dusting, and dishwashing, and the stack shifting. She looked like herself with a hammer and nails or a saw when we were rebuilding the cottage, wearing leather gloves to protect her hands, and she dug and topsoiled the garden up there without much help from me. It’s housework that doesn’t suit her look – it’s like watching a dog dance, when she turns to that theme – but in grandfather’s rooms she got deft at it. She must have been teaching herself to show when she cared about someone else, looking for the tools to do something in return for people. Even this moment, I see her dart her eyes around the room at what she wishes she had the energy to do, because this isn’t one of her better new days. And I see grandfather smiling to himself at what he knows she’s thinking. He gets up to pour her another mug of tea so that she’ll stay in her chair while she drinks it.

His two rooms always need a lantern. A long wall of bookshelves. A little box capped with a block of ice. A table, three chairs. Drawings of Emma on the walls from years past, and the recent one of the two of us with Johnny. A bed behind a curtain, a coat on a hook. The room smells of the street, of stables and run-off, of snow out the window, of the cabbages he retails from the front room and backyard. Through his window he sees other windows. If he craned his head he would see the gap in the houses where the canal runs, and our apartment’s quay windows. It’s fifteen hundred metres from this room to them, but our apartment is the Inner World, one cell on the edge of the empire’s beehive, and this is the Isle of Jews, where most people are poor so no one looks up much and would have no one to wave to if they did.

I’m holding a blue chalk, not a blue I like to use much. Not nature’s blue, not the one you see when you hold a robin’s egg to the light or go picking alpine flowers. It’s the favourite colour for plenty of people, but not me, no. There is a stack of ivory drawing paper at my right elbow, a pile of chalks and coloured pencils above the top of the sheet. Everything one blue or another.

‘Is it this one, Emma?’ grandfather asks. He’s opened yet another nature book to a photograph of a wolf. A stack of books from the island library is forming at his elbow, multiple pages marked with paper slips. Animals of the Royal Empire.A Child’s Book of Dogs. A Natural History of the Carpathians.

‘Start with that one,’ Emma tells me. All the plates in this book are black-and-white.

I pick up a chalk and do what I do – a solid white background, a near perfect circle, a hole in the middle that I touch with black, leaving a dot of white as a catchlight.

‘Paler,’ she says.

I take a paler chalk and turn the sheet over and do the same thing.

‘Paler still.’

‘Are you sure,’ her grandfather asks. ‘No one’s eyes can be – ’

Her answer catches in her throat, enough to stop my hand. She wants to describe that guy’s eyes to us, so here we all are.

‘Even paler,’ she says. ‘So pale you can see the capillaries running towards the centre. But give it a darker ring around the irises.’

‘Is he looking up or down?’ I ask.

‘Up, with his chin tucked a little. And he’s only glancing up but he’s usually looking down.’

‘Emma, for God’s sake, that’s psychology.’

‘So? You’ve got a psyche. I saw.’

‘Why don’t I just go look at him?’

Because she’s made me promise not to. Right as soon as I got back from Rosemeyr’s with the stretchers, she made me do that. So instead we’re flailing with her memory.

Grandfather pats my elbow and shows me another wolf drawing.

‘No, not like that,’ she says. ‘Start over.’

She needs this so much. You love a woman, you bow to these moments, the way she would tolerate me if she ever had to. I take a new sheet and just touch the paper with my palest blue chalk, then a turquoise: What if I do that? After hesitating, she nods. Her forehead frowns at what those eyes mean to her, her fingerprints pressed into her temples. Softly, with a hard pencil, I draw two lines for eyebrows.

‘Less space above the irises,’ she says, ‘and they’re straighter than that. Thicker towards the middle.’

I get the eyebrows right the first try – a brown that is almost black. But the eyes? The room has the solemnity of an operating theatre. After half an hour of this, she and her grandfather are breathing in unison. Just the eyes, she keeps telling me. The eyes she thought she had seen long ago and had tried so long to remember as bad dreams. What is ‘scary blue’? She tells me to start over again. This time, to distract her, I draw her mother’s eyes, but I make them blue.

‘I don’t like those, but they don’t scare me. Try again.’

‘Emma, you know how hard it is for me to work like this. Tell me go and find the guy.’

‘Children,’ grandfather says. ‘Stop. Paul, you won’t be able to do this. Emma, you have to stop asking him. This man, did he hate our kind? When he looked at you, was a Jew all he saw? I thought so. Then how can you expect Paul to know eyes like that? Paul, you could do it from life, but from your imagination? No. That’s a fear you can never know, so put the chalks down. Emma, hold Johnny for a while. Tell yourself he doesn’t know any of that yet. Then be happy for a minute.’

While he’s speaking, I’m giving it one more try. Eyes that lure you onto rocks and feed on inchoate screams. Instead of showing it to Emma, I show it to her grandfather, who stares long and says, ‘A Jew hater, another one, trying to make us to apologize for what the world has done to them – to the world, Paul. They want to hear the lie from us that we’re the guilty ones. You caught the rage, but you missed the target. Gentiles never have to forgive themselves, it’s Jews who always need to do that. I love you more than my own son, Paul, but you’re never going to imagine what it’s like to be thought about like that.’

When you’ve been with one woman for seven years, you want to tell yourself that probably you know her. It’s better to know other people. Knowing yourself is overrated – it doesn’t help much. Insight is a box with another box inside, and another inside that, and another … It’s what I keep telling you about stories. People get trapped in their own stories. To learn anything important, you have to take time out of the world and then look at somebody else.

Emma left before me this morning, in a cab, with Johnny, for Gus. This time I know, but when I don’t, I don’t ask her where she’s going. I ask her where she’s been when she comes back, because she likes me to, though I don’t have to know. Women don’t like being predicted, and I try to live with her without doing it, though after seven years together, it gets hard to stop. Pride’s the key. You hear talk that men are proud, but it’s nothing compared to women’s pride. It’s as if pride is all that men leave them, and then they have to hide it to protect it.

No one can know what the future will be, but that’s no excuse to do nothing about changing it. We have no choice but to guess honestly. We can only change the world by acting our guesses.

On the quay, I strike a match for my pipe, get it to draw, then right along the eastern boulevard towards the River Market. I don’t have to fight the crowd’s stream today, much, until I reach the market, and then I work my way down the lane between the stalls right to the end. It’s packed here with wholesalers, crate lifters, ponies hauling carts. The shoppers are just begin to appear, which makes this a sight of workers and their morning fears. I feel people pressing while I bob along down the current of them. You can learn as much from their smells as from anything else. It’s smells that bring back memories most quickly. An art of smells would be an art of memories. The same as to show people what silence is, you have to show them noise, a lot of it, swamp them with the vision of it, and let them work it out from the recoil.

Beyond the market, turn right behind the Art Warehouse, and soon after that there’s Sevenstars Lane in the morning, clotted with snow trudged into ice by the hod carriers passing through on their way to the new barracks that year. The cobblestones are black through the ice. Carriages never come this way – too narrow. The oak Dutch doors lining the way are shut. This is the quietest street in the city when the sun is out. I pound on a door, and it’s answered by a little grim-faced girl I’ve never seen, in a white cotton party frock and buckled black shoes. She wakes up a stare and bats her round blue eyes at me and bobs her curly blond hair. Who is this?

‘Hello, mister,’ she says in a mountaineer accent. ‘Would you like to come in?’

‘Yes I would, little girl.’

‘My name’s Maria. I’m so pleased.’ She curtsies and stands aside. Tibor is direct behind her – which is a redundant observation to make, from that door – at the kitchen table where he has watched the traffic all night. He’s nursing his broken knuckles and practising his deep breathing. The table has disappeared under his forearms, the wall behind his sloped shoulders. I’ve seen him here for years, always wearing a peaked leather cap and sheepskin vest and canvas breeches, but his eyes never admit to knowing me. He points his carrot thumb at a beaded doorway and grunts something unintelligible, as if I understood Hungarian.

And there, through the doorway, is Cassie tilted into her parlour sofa, serving herself for breakfast. She’s too tired to smile, and she knows me too well to need the effort.

‘Sometimes you see me here,’ she says. ‘Sometimes you don’t.’

‘You’re a mystery,’ I say. ‘Tell me how you are.’

‘Bone-weary, Paul. Other people’s nightmares are the worst.’

‘Do you have any to tell me?’

‘I’d never shut up. Don’t you have enough of your own, that you need to hear a month’s worth of mine?’

‘I’ve told you, I never dream. Who’s the little one with the gravedigger stare?’

‘The new recruit. I’ll tell you later.’

She rises to her feet with three slow moves and brushes the snow from my cap and hangs it on a hook in the hallway. She takes my coat and shakes the snow onto the slate floor. Mine’s the only coat there. Over pink chiffon, she pulls on a mint-green housecoat. Her hair is tangled, cornsilk at dusk. She’s been sleeping in last night’s face – Chinese red lipstick, heavily caked, two bright spots of rouge, black mascara. It takes strong effects to stand up against the lights and shadows here. But her neck – a smooth, ivory white, as if light within her is shining from below. She coughs hard as we enter the kitchen, which smells of boiling milk and stale cigar smoke.

Two other women have joined Tibor at the table. I know raven-haired Frieda from long before; the younger one is new to me. Most of the women in this house come with no age attached, but this new one is wearing her youth like her sole possession, with weakening pride and inarticulate fear.

‘And how are the rest of you?’ I ask.

‘As if anything changes by us,’ Cassie says. ‘Eternity is no fun. There’s some advice for you – don’t try it. You start seeing everything over and over. The time of day, that’s what changes here. You know Frieda. And there’s Connie who was fresh till last night, and the little pet is Maria. Everyone say hello to Paul. He doesn’t hurt anybody we know.’

‘Hello. Hello. Hello.’

‘Hello.’

Maria is still a fledgling, buds not opened yet, eyes tremulous.

Frieda shrugs. She’s always scraped her face clean by the time I appear. A sloe-eyed little piece with strong shoulders and motherly breasts and sturdy legs, hair crackling like dark flames. White housecoat with little flowers on it. Connie won’t look at me, and I don’t try to make her. I can see she’s new, from how she’s sitting folded up on a stool with her head tucked towards her shoulder. You can see where the lines on her face will be once she gets them, and she hasn’t learned the long stare. A house like this, and the other ones on the street, well, your imagination burns out fast if you’re a woman. I open my portfolio and show them the last drawings I made here, seeking their verification, which I get: Yes that’s what I looked like, yes I know what I was thinking then. The colours offend them at first. But in this world I’m the daylight they never bask in, so they let it pass.

‘Tea,’ Cassie croaks. Frowning, Maria climbs down from her stool to pour it for us. I’ve brought along salt rolls and goat cheese and ham and a pint of milk, which Maria stirs direct into the pot before she pours.

‘You can go,’ Cassie tells Tibor. Who raises himself to his feet while we watch each other and casts a shadow over the rest of us as he walks sideways up the stairs.

‘Yesterday was Connie’s first night,’ Cassie says. ‘Her and her sister both. Came in from the Urban Annex yesterday morning. Daddy down from some cow village drank up his luck, the brothers needed milk and bread, you heard the rest. You want to meet her sister too? She’s sleeping it off. Her name’s Josephine, if that makes any difference to you.’

‘Three’s plenty,’ I say.

‘Connie’s first night,’ Cassie says. ‘Meaning, ever. She should have told me. But she thought she’d pretend to be brave. Going to take her a week to sit straight again. We could have stopped that if she told us.’ Now the four of them are at the table, Maria on a high stool, Connie between the other two, a sparrow between two crows, going through my portfolio a second time. Maria lifts her tea mug with two hands. Frieda points at one drawing and sighs to herself, not yes, that’s me, but yes, that’s it. Most of the drawings are nudes. Some of them are touched with red charcoal.

‘Huh,’ Cassie says, and looks up with a blink. ‘How’s the kid, Paul?’

‘All he did the first month was yell at us. Now he’s learning to laugh.’

‘You’d better teach him that now – he won’t learn later. And Emma?’

‘She almost died.’

‘Nothing new there. Blame yourself, not the kid. We like kids here, don’t we, Maria? Look, you’ve been here for eight days, and nothing’s happened to you. She eleven years old, Paul. Want to see her certificate?’

Connie hasn’t touched the drawings, but she’s staring at them, with alarm tinged with horror. Is there a colour for that? Where in her face is the light?

‘Paul’s a friend of ours,’ Cassie explains to her. ‘Comes by once a month, to make us famous or something. We flash it for him and he sketches our little birds. There’s still good money in that, Paul?’

‘I’m doing well.’

‘Your wife got anything for you since the kid?’

‘I can never touch her again that way. Johnny hurt her too badly.’

Cassie considers that, imagining the pain. ‘There’s other holes. Connie, he’s come here for years and never touched us. Just draws us, and … What do you get for them, Paul? Fifty kroner a sheet?’

‘I used to. Now I sign them and get more than that.’ It’s how I made a living for a couple of years – purple work by special order. And I was happy to do it, let me tell you.

‘God, you never paid me that much,’ Frieda says.

‘You got one-third of what he paid me,’ Cassie says. ‘That was always the deal. Maria will cost you twenty today.’

‘One drawing of her, clothes on, for nothing.’

‘Oh, all right. What do you want us to do today?’

‘Tell stories.’

‘Come on,’ Cassie says. ‘Frieda? And you too, Connie, might as well learn something. Maria, play with Tibor.’ I follow them upstairs, three shaded flights. The wainscotting is green scarred with bootmarks, the lampshades in each room are Chinese red frilled with gold. In Cassie’s bedroom, two elaborate brass candlesticks are perched on a mahogany dresser. The unmade bed is covered with pillows and sagging in the middle. This is their own bedroom. Clients come no higher than the floor below, but I’ve learned that up here is the best place to draw them. I stand at the door, and Connie hovers just inside the room while the other two sit on the bed.

‘You don’t have to watch,’ Cassie tells Connie. ‘Yes you do. Paul doesn’t touch us. We tell him stories, and he draws us while we’re telling him. Who’s this one for, Paul?’

‘I’m going to paint you this time. These drawings are for a painting.’

‘Oh goodie,’ says Frieda.

‘He’s not from Budapest, oh no,’ Cassie says. And they both laugh.

‘He’s worse. He’s a Czech.’

Cassie shrugs. ‘Sudeten Czech. Why us, Paul? We two know, but tell her.

‘Because it’s Tuesday.’

‘The best reason of all, you hear that, Connie? But why else, Paul.’

‘Because it’s too busy out there,’ I tell her. ‘Nothing changes in here. It’s one of the last places.’

‘Which is why we see what no one else does,’ Cassie says. ‘Are you listening, Connie? Men don’t like to look at themselves. They’d do anything not to. But sometimes they need to, and for that they come to us, and then they pay us never to tell what we see. Girl, you should have told us you were fresh. I would have kept you back for some grey-haired colonel with a baby chick who would have broken you gentlemanly, for twice the money. Yeah, we’ve got a call sheet of customers for the fresh ones – ask Paul. A tragedy, look do. Rented her last night to a cadet in the Uhlans, and now she’s no good to anyone for another week.’

‘Uhlans,’ I shrug. Of course.

They’ve spread the quilts on the floor. Frieda pins Cassie’s hair into a bun, then Cassie returns the favour.

‘No tresses for you today?’ Cassie asks, almost rueful.

‘That would be too sexual,’ I tell her, and Frieda laughs.

‘That’s the worst of it, Connie, you’ll find out. It’s when men paw your hair. You can never get it clean. Are you listening? Always keep your hair up and don’t let them grab it at the point of swoon. They’ll spill in it once, you’ll remember soon enough.’

Connie is standing pressed into a corner. Under her robe’s hanging folds, I see her stick figure, pencil arms and legs, bony neck, the dark half-rings of hunger under her eyes. That’s one thing about Cassie’s house – she’s going to eat full while she’s here. Now Cassie and Frieda are naked except for the white linen pants, their thighs and forearms swaying with loose muscle.

‘Are you going to make us famous?’ Frieda asks.

‘Not famous,’ I tell her, and start work. ‘But you’ll live longer.’

‘As if we want that.’

‘You sure you don’t want a free one,’ Cassie winks. ‘How many inches you got?’

‘Seven for each of you.’

‘Another braggart,’ Frieda says. ‘You wouldn’t get the pox from us. When women get it, it’s from men, but do you hear us complain? I mean, we do, but never to the men we got it from. Just to each other.’

One another,’ Cassie corrects her. ‘When I said Maria was eleven, well, I lied. She’s ten last week. You can check her certificate.’

Naked, they’re in their world, their shells broken. At my nod, they strike me another pose, Frieda leaning back in Cassie’s arms, each looking the other way, hands on Frieda’s spread knees. They watch me boost myself onto the dresser.

‘Who’s buying them this time?’ Cassie asks me. ‘We could get you customers, sell them right here.’

‘It will be some wealthy Jew,’ Frieda says. ‘We’re the ones with money to spend like that.’

‘We don’t get many Jews here,’ Cassie tells Connie. ‘Army officers this establishment. The stock agents are going to the Flaming Sword on Ball Street this year.’

‘So tell me about Maria,’ I say.

‘That’s an old story,’ Cassie says. ‘A civilian comes in last month and hands me a packet of clothes. That birthday frock you saw, and the little black shoes, and the little pants and stockings and camisole. “Do you have anyone this size?” he asks. Right, I tell myself – wants to fiddle his little girl, he’s bursting for it. “Hair, eyes, name,” I tell him. “Blonde, blue, Maria,” he says. “Come back in a week,” I say. So out I go to the Urban Annex and a broker pulls me in Maria. Which is her real name, by the way. You can check her certificate. Doesn’t have a last one, none of us do. Business has been up fifteen per cent since we put her on the door. Everyone wants to spoil her. In three or four years, we’ll auction her off. She’ll stay fresh before then.’

‘What about the guy who ordered her?’

‘That’s the best part,’ Frieda laughs.

‘That’s the best part,’ Cassie says. ‘He doesn’t even want to touch her. He just wants her to talk the nasty to him while he’s tugging himself. That’s it. We get the best of everything.’

When I turn over the sheet, she sits up on the quilt, knees high and spread, and pulls Frieda down as if they’re riding a sleigh together. Connie’s pressed her cheek to the wall. She truly believes she’s seen everything now. You must be horribly young to think you’ve seen it all.

‘I’d say Connie’s in the wrong business,’ I say.

‘Too late now,’ Cassie says. ‘Better for you here, darling, than a doorway in the Root Cellar. She just has to stop thinking about what they’re doing. Then it’s the easiest money in the world. Speaking of money …’

‘Count Freddie?’

‘He’s moved his business to the Calisto,’ Cassie says. ‘It’s them that do outcalls. I’m just as glad – he was too high maintenance for us. All the kit we had to buy for him that no one else ever asked for. He was paying for it but still, we had to find it and then store it.’

‘I don’t need the details on Freddie,’ I tell them.

‘Your sister tells you?’ Cassie asks. ‘Thank her for saving us the breath. You’ll stay young longer, not knowing what he needs. We’re talking about the rough trade, Connie. Plugs and chains, them. You’re twenty years and twenty kilos short of what that line takes.’

‘How would you be sitting,’ I ask, ‘if sex wasn’t the point.’

‘By us,’ Frieda says. ‘there wouldn’t be a point.’

‘Half the time even I don’t know the point of men,’ Cassie says.

‘There must always be a point,’ Frieda says, ‘but when it isn’t sex, I don’t ask what it is. We’re as open as any other house on this street: Everything Not Forbidden, that’s our motto. Safety’s our only house rule: Murder Not Allowed, you know? And we look down on pain reception the same as everyone else on the street. But we can’t stop the rich perverts at the door or word would get out we’re judging. It’s crazy and poor that doesn’t get in.’

Frieda lies on her side, Cassie the same behind her, and peers over Frieda’s shoulder with a false broad smile. Something works here. I frame what I see and polish the tip of a graphite. For a moment they look almost happy, and I’m thinking Lord grab that while you can.

‘Who were your customers last night,’ I ask.

Cassie is trailing her fingertips up Frieda’s ribcage. Frieda’s rouged her nipples for this. She’s staring into my eyes, practising her whore’s look, but it’s skin deep. I asked them once, one session, to wear their street clothes for this, but they refused. That would have been too personal.

‘Real names?’ Frieda asks.

‘Why not, if they gave them.’

‘We insist. In case there’s trouble, you see. That cavalry major, what was his name, Cassie?’

‘Eichdorff, came with a friend, some cadet, Klingmann, wanted to break his first pony. If I’d known I would have given him Frieda. He said Connie. Mistake, but he fell for the fresh look, like every other fresh fool. That was a sight. Two know-nothings, both pretending they knew.’

Connie is making herself look while they talk about her, and I watch from the corner of my eye while she tries to bring back the hope the night cost her.

‘Connie thought she was dying,’ Cassie said. ‘She was crying and crying. Well, we couldn’t stop it by then, they’d already paid. That’s the system, you know? A place like this, it’s about men paying us to do what no wife out there would ever do. They pay to think we want it, then we act like we do.’

‘You can’t die of sex,’ Frieda tells Connie. ‘Everything else, but not that. I was saying, so Connie got the cadet, and her sister got the major. What a song the major sings, Paul. Remember it? Cassie’s better at that.’

They grin at each other, then Cassie makes a choking cry, which sounds from her throat like ‘Heck, heck, heck.

Now Frieda lies back on the quilt, one bare knee pointing to the ceiling, the other stretched across the floor. Her vulva is angry crimson beneath its nest of dense black hair. Cassie crouches between her legs with an arm around Frieda’s knee and looks at me over her shoulder, then remembers something.

‘Bob your uncle,’ she says. ‘The Pressburg factory tested the new 70 millimetre mortar shell last month. The range is six thousand metres, but accuracy falls off sharply at five-four. They think the fletts are too narrow by two centimetres, corrupt the vertical centre of gravity. Would I make a good spy, Paul?’

‘Artillery was never what I did,’ I tell her.

‘People used to kill each other for money, or revenge, or something else useful,’ Cassie says. ‘Too late for that now. Nothing but bad excuses the next time, and no one to judge but the people who started it. Paul was a Seventh Hussar, Connie, in the day. Make him tell you about the horse some day. It’s so easy, Paul, to get the artillery to spill. “Oh, yes, Otto, like that, Harry, you’re too strong for me, Jakob, take me, oh, oh.” And then you lie back with them and ask, “So whose cannon’s bigger, Karl?’’’

‘They don’t need us for spies,’ Frieda says. ‘Remember the colonel last month?’

Somebody ought to pay us double,’ Cassie says. ‘Men are always going to fight, Paul. Next year’s going to be with machine guns and artillery trains, mostly. We took in half a train car of Germans last week, some conference. Likely so we’ll start it ourselves next year, they said, with the Serbians, which will bring the Russians in, and once that happens the Germans and the French are going to start the big show. Straight through Belgium to Paris, that’s the way. Machine guns, steel trucks, gas, whatever that means. You think Solferino was a butcher’s floor, multiply that by a thousand once or twice. The next war, it’s going to be like death in a factory, no more bowing from the waist and shooting his horse at forty paces. I don’t mind.’ She looks at Connie. ‘Poor chick. The little red cadet popped out of her covered with blood he did. Screamed like a wood demon and thought she’d cut it off. If you want to find a husband, this is the place, dearie. You’ll marry ten here every night.’

‘Start wars,’ Frieda says. ‘That’s men. Then the women call them to bed while they’re feeling so manly. A good year for us, if it lasts.’

‘For a couple of months, anyway,’ Cassie says. ‘Start in July while the ground’s still dry.’

She and Frieda cackle together. And I look at Connie and think, Cry and get it over with. What have you seen till now that you’ve run out of tears for this? The woman lacks self-pity, that’s her problem. Don’t leave pity to everyone else. I keep drawing.

‘Machines were never part of His plan,’ I tell them.

‘Whose?’ asked Cassie.

‘The Big Guy’s,’ I tell them. ‘If you asked some tribesman in Africa, he’d tell you some god made the world and then vanished. For them, He’s never coming back, He stopped existing as soon as He created us.’

‘That’s the one who made us,’ Cassie says. ‘And the one who made you?’

‘He made the world,’ I tell them while they cock their heads at me. Good listeners, them. ‘And all He planned to do was watch after that. But I don’t think He expected us to come up with machines. I think when we get around to destroying ourselves with them, He’ll have to move up Judgment Day. Fooled Him, you know.’

‘If you could see the future,’ Cassie says, ‘you wouldn’t dare love anybody. Protect yourself, Paul. The world wants to destroy you. Attack? Hide? Lie? You’d better do something. I know, I know, you love Emma – good for you. But that just means be ready to go down with each other.’

‘If it’s power you want,’ Frieda tells Connie, ‘power over them, you’ll learn it all here. Just wait to learn that, how to make them pay for what they want to do to you, you’ll live with yourself soon enough, dearie. You won’t suffer so much from their games once you learn their rules. You won’t forget who you are by making this living – if anything, you’ll remember better.’

‘Your life’s still your own here,’ Cassie tells her. ‘You still get all the choices, unless you give them away. You’ve got more choices in here than you ever will out there. Don’t let yourself become what men pay you to be, that’s all.’

Frieda’s hand brushes the hair from Cassie’s face. Her other hand, I can’t use it, you know? Only their faces just then. So while they have their fun, I turn to watch Connie. Her horror only lasts for a second, then … I’ve seen death before this, okay. I know when something’s over, but I don’t know yet what it is for Connie. It’s different for everybody, what kills. Cassie groans hard, once. When I look up from my tablet, her eyes are bolted to me, from the bottom of a boiling well.

‘How’s that, Paul?’ she asks with a sagging grin.

Little Maria comes to the doorway. Tibor’s tied back her hair with a crooked blue ribbon and made her put on white wool stockings. I’m still hurrying to catch the moment. The glowing darkness in Cassie’s eyes, the familiar smirk on Frieda’s face that Cassie can’t see.

‘You got past Maria, this morning,” Cassie tells me. ‘Not easy, I can tell you that. Eight days she’s been here, and she can already smell the worst of them. The pain merchants, the twisters, the broken ones, them. You should hear her tell them to get lost. And they do.’

‘As long as Tibor’s standing right behind her,’ Frieda adds. ‘Then they do. Show Paul what you do, little one.’

Out out out out!’ Maria yells, her fists on her hips, while I clap my ears in my palms.

Cassie reaches under the bed and pulls out a two-thirds bottle of red. They sit up, and while she pulls the cork with her teeth, Frieda takes four glasses out of a dresser drawer. Fills them and then passes me one, Connie the other one.

Frieda says. ‘You owe me, Cassie.’

‘That’s real love, around here,’ Cassie tells Connie. ‘Why not some cool little blonde from the art school, Paul?’

‘I have one at home,’ I tell her. ‘Besides, you’re not beautiful.’

She laughs. ‘How about Connie? Is she beautiful?’

Yes, for a moment, yesterday.

‘All right, how about Maria. Is she beautiful?’

‘All ten-year-olds are beautiful.’

‘Did you practise your look, Maria? Get him in the eye, little pet.’

She looks up at me with unblinking eyes, and tilts her head, and pouts her lips –

‘Hello, daddy. Will you let me touch your pony when I’m older?’

I don’t drop my pencil, and wonder later how not.

‘Never heard that before, Paul? Admit it – that’s one step past everything you ever heard. She’s not finished – ’

‘How big will it grow one day, daddy?’ Maria says, her craning forward me, locking her eyes on me. ‘Will it trample my little kitten one day?’

I hold up my hand: Stop

‘You never imagined, did you?’ Cassie says. ‘Admit it, Paul. You come to us because you know out there, you’d never see everything.’

‘We did it,’ Frieda says. ‘Look at his face. What’s he thinking, Cassie?’

‘I’ll tell you that,’ I say. ‘I’m thinking when Johnny’s ten, if someone touches him where – ’

‘No one’s touching Maria,’ Cassie says. ‘Years before we allow it.’

‘Maria,’ I say, ‘stand in front of Connie. Like that yes. And Connie, put your hands on her shoulders. Now both of you look at that bedpost, halfway down. Don’t move.’ So that I see their profiles in the mirror. I remember how I used to draw when I met Emma, how hard I was working around then to reduce the lines, looking for the one line, of the proper density, that locks down the others. Now that I’ve found it, I’m lost for what to do with it. So I do something I’ve never done. In the margin of a drawing, I write the words, dead love.

‘You’re telling me she’s safe from your customers here. Okay, Cassie, I believe you. But if I shouldn’t, tell me now and I’ll buy her out.’ With money from Charlotte. It would be easy. For that moment I feel, again, like a slave for life, to Karsch Metallwerken and the oily furnaces of that Hell.

‘Got to you, did we?’ Frieda says. ‘Thought so, Cassie.’

‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Cassie says. ‘That your sister would be good for it. The minute someone laid a hand on her, it would show on her, and her price would go half. We’ll let you know before the auction, which is three years anyway. You can buy her out if you want before then. Of course, the price will go up, the longer you wait.’

‘He just wants to do her himself,’ Frieda says.

‘Probably not,’ Cassie tells her. ‘Paul? Ethics? Why not? I just never thought he’d bring them here.’

‘He’s a father now,’ Frieda says, not to me.

‘But so’s Maria’s daddy-trick.’

‘All right then,’ I tell them. ‘I’ve got an even stranger story than hers. It’s even worse.’

‘Try us, do,’ Cassie says, and sighs to attention.

‘About the horse?’ Frieda asks.

‘Get Cassie to tell that one,’ I say. ‘So okay, there’s these two people. A young man and a young woman. And they meet, and it’s really hot for a while between them. It’s great in the sack, and you think he’d never done it before, because it’s never been this good, and he’s her first, and she’s shocked what he can make her feel. But the lust turns to something else, something just between them. They want to find out what it is, so they help each other learn. Then they get married, and one day the woman says she’s going to have a baby. And she does, and they love each other more than ever. No matter how hard it gets, but they know it never will be too hard between them, because that’s what a child has brought to them.’

‘That’s it?’ Frieda says.

‘He’s talking about him and Emma and the brat. So what’s the point, Paul. That’s not a story.’

‘It’s not a story,’ I say. ‘But I’m not done. The point is, here it is. The point is – some things you can’t do without – they happen before you imagine them. And you’ve never seen any of them, have you?’

 

And this morning I’m going to Gus’s studio, which means another fiaker, on another day that Paul’s gone out to his models. It drops me and Johnny at the mouth to a narrow lane off the High Street of the Seventh Quarter, the carriage district behind the Imperial Folly. You have to know the lane is there or you’d look forever. I walk down it and push open the gate and step into a long, narrow garden in winter, with snow hummocks where the peonies will be again and a row of tall fruit trees whipping their last brown leaves, a lunch table below them half-buried in a new drift. I peer under the berber cloak, the warmest thing I’ve got, and watch Johnny dreaming. Is there something inside him already that’s not about me? His right fist is pushed into my breast. I’m hungry too, Johnny. In my right hand a leather portfolio that I can’t put down because I couldn’t bend to pick it up. It was a rough journey through the previous night’s fresh snow. I exhale once, long, I inhale with my eyes closed and think of the sun. I kick at the door with my leather boot instead of knocking.

One of Gus’s sweet maidens answers and draws me in from the cold. Another model is sitting up straight on the sofa, knees locked together and hands crossed on her lap. Both are wearing long cassocks, like monks, wine-red and forest-green. The standing one, Ephie, is smiling at a joke she won’t share, the sitting one has a look of inchoate dread. He places ads every few months, auditions them, culls them out. Some have sat to him for years. Five or six have fathered his children. I have met Ephie before, but not the other. He would have chosen this new one for her pale-gold hair, which is tied above her neck a little too neatly with a blue ribbon. It will tumble soon enough.

When the door closes, I can hear the source of her dread. His work table is squeaking. In the past eight years he has never troubled to tighten the loose leg, or perhaps the sound inspires him, like a brass bed does Paul. Through the wall, grunts mingle with keening sighs. The table is pounding the other side of the wall, making the framed Japanese woodcuts jump on this side.

‘Don’t worry, dearie,’ Ephie tells the new one. ‘He’ll have a pillow with just your name on it. Hello, Emma. That’s Paul’s brat you’ve got?’

We share a bitten-back smile wait for the woman through the wall to let herself go. It’s happening soon, we can tell. Paul told me years ago that every woman has her own song. He thought he was telling me something new, but I already did from my sessions at Gus’s studio. There she goes. This one’s a Catholic babbler, it sounds like a prayer must. She keens for Jesus and God, Jesus and God, and then, suddenly, trills as if they just doubled-teamed her, and the trill morphs into a deep and powerful laugh.

The new one looks petrified, the old one smirks.

‘Nice one,’ she says. ‘Gus says it’s a boy. Healthy, you two?’

‘He ripped me up pretty bad,’ I tell her.

‘The first one’s the worst.’

‘I can’t have a second.’

‘You won’t miss it, you have any sense. My mother screamed out seven, then died of the eighth.’

‘Ephie,’ he calls through the door.

She and I nod agreement, and I go in instead. He takes a moment to turn from his window, where a squall has begun to cloak a pear tree. ‘Oh,’ he says, and his hands dart to pin down the tent in his robe. He’s dressed like them, in a cassock, but his is silk, and silvery blue. His model is lounging on a horsehair chair, one foot tucked up, the other trailing on the ground, her face still tightening back. While his soldier falls, Gus turns and fusses with his desk, straightens a ruler and moves a bowl of apples to one corner. He turns to me again and points at Johnny, and I let him hold him. A bear going bald, two tufts of curly black hair above the ears and a beard that nothing can rule. Bricklayer’s shoulders, innkeeper’s paunch. Is that an angel smiling? A devil? He lets Johnny squeeze his finger and winces in pain to make him laugh. No luck – Johnny never laughs. He lifts him to his nose and inhales the baby smell of him.

‘The cap,’ he says. ‘You like it, then? Is it warm?’

‘Beautiful,’ I say, and I turn slowly to model it for him. Unlike Paul, beauty is in his vocabulary. Paul never thinks about beauty much. Though his paintings can be that, beauty is always a side-effect for Paul, instead of a key point, the way it is for Gus.

‘And you?’

‘I hurt,’ I say. ‘He really ripped me up.’

‘Arrrrgggch. Doctors, eh? But you’re glad to be alive?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did Johnny just do?’

‘He doesn’t cry,’ I tell him. ‘He does this other thing.’

He looks down at the little guy, and snarls back.

‘We mustn’t let him be hungry. Would he like some lunch? We can put him just here. And if I put his bottle on the stovetop, will that make it warm enough?’

‘That’s what we do.’

‘And apples and some cheese for us. The doctors tell you to eat?’

‘They left me a stomach,’ I say.

He glances over his shoulder, just enough for his model to approach him. I inhale the smell of sex and watch her shoulder tilt under her smock, the sliding cant of her hips, and she glances at me with a stuffed full expression, and I think: ‘That was me once.’ He hands her three apples and three thick slices of cheese, chops a cannonball loaf of rye bread in three and places all of it on three sheets of linen paper from his desk drawer. Then he takes a bottle of decent red wine from his utility shelf, uncorks it, and shoos her out. I’m looking around the room. Under the window he has two canvases in progress. The uncovered one is a landscape from the Salt District, his summer home, of a beach forest and alpine flowers at dusk. Decadent art, some of the reviewers are calling his work these days, though in contrast to what comes next, no one can know yet. As if Gus was the end of something, and perhaps the reviews are right, except for their tone – sensual is as honest a result as anything else a painting can be. Gus is doing variations on things he did long ago. That isn’t a bad thing – any painting he does is a glorious example of what he knows how to do better than anyone, and I don’t see why it matters whether these were done in 1901 or 1913. But I know that the next steps this world takes will be towards a place he won’t have it in him to find.

The floor is cluttered with sheets of drawing paper and roaming cats. Johnny is holding a piece of blue crayon, trying to fit it in his mouth. Gus points at the leather portfolio I’ve placed beside me, and I open it while he peels and cores two apples and slices them into quarters, cuts cheese into strips with a Damascus knife.

I show him the sheets one at a time, a new one for every nod he makes. These are working sketches for Paul’s SilverDome show. Graphite with touches of white chalk and watercolour.

‘That’s Paul,’ he says. Then to me: ‘I go, “drip, drip, drip,” and he goes, you know, “woosh …’’’ He presses his palms together and shoots them apart. ‘I’ll come and see him soon. I’ll tell him, “That effect is one part yellow ochre and two tyrrhenian and three turpentine.” And he’ll already know, after a month of figuring out what I could …’ He winces long.

‘Tell him?’

‘Yes, tell him, exactly that.’

Yesterday in the studio I watched Paul daub away at an edge of free canvas, testing one blend, then another, turning it to the light. It’s his mad scientist mode, and I always think he’s avoiding the real effort when he’s doing that. But I’m not the one who could tell him.

‘He gets frustrated when colours don’t come to him,’ I say. ‘Not the colours, but the …’

‘I know what you mean. As if he’s painting with light. He wants people to see through his work, not bump their heads on it. I see what he’s trying to do. There’s a difference between technical skill and communicative skill that he hasn’t sorted out yet. Skill is only a tool to put down when you’re ready for the next one. Tell him that for me, will you? I know these don’t come as easily to him as his drawings. The energy people see in his work – that’s his effort poking through, no? His paintings will relax the more he knows. He won’t be able to stop that. I don’t see any edges to these.’

‘He isn’t using stretched canvases this season. He’s pinning them to a large board to work out the borders later.’

‘That works, too. The next one?’

I turn the next sheet over. He waves me to continue. Seven, eight, nine.

‘Four of these he finished last autumn.’

Almost finished.

‘And the others make only nine.’

‘One sketch he only made last week. It’s his sister, so it will be easier. And the eleventh he’s starting today.’

‘Good, good, good. They’re portraits but they’re not. That’s Paul, too. He still goes out to his models?’

‘He has one more trip to make.’

‘His sister asked me to sit her portrait last year. Did she tell you?’

‘She tells Paul everything, and then he tells me everything she says.’

‘Something in her was too dark. I would have used her as a model sometimes, for allegorical work. Oh, she was beautiful enough, in that cruel way that’s so difficult to carry. She wanted me to paint her in gold leaf and flowers and sunshine and so on. “The full Gus treatment,” she put it. But … what’s the word. Not a joke, but … when everything would have meant its opposite. She wanted me to tell that joke. I didn’t think about the money she offered. Isn’t that a wonderful thing to be able to say? The secret of happiness on earth – “I don’t think about money.”’

Gus lets himself be voluble around me. I’m one of the few.

‘Portraits but they’re not,’ I say. ‘He can’t stand not painting people. There was that landscape last summer, do you remember?’

‘He painted a forest crowded with people, and then painted the people out, and he had a landscape, just so. Johnny, he was an experiment, too. Did he work?’

‘The crucible exploded,’ I say. I meant him to laugh – I’m still angry enough about what happened, and I don’t want company for that – but instead he squeezes his eyes shut. There is too much kindness in him to ever get out. When he forgets to express it, it leaks out under pressure.

‘Is there anything I can do for either of you?’

‘He wants the central court of the SilverDome. The light’s better. It would change his colours if he knew which space he was filling.’

‘Anybody would want it,’ he sighs. ‘But Emma, for his first room? Not this year. The centre court to himself in, say, two years, at this pace. Let people come this May and see him, and say, “He deserved the skylight, not Prokop.” Most people will, and he knows it. So let him be impatient. These figures …’ He points with a slice of apple. ‘Are they doppelgängers? Gosiç will be showing a couple of them next month in the same hall as Paul gets. He wouldn’t want to look like a junior Gosiç, not that that should stop him if he needs.’

‘I don’t think they will be. Since Johnny, he’s seen people in twos.’

‘Not the ages of man, I hope. Another theme that’s too easy. I don’t see Johnny in these, except one.’

‘That’s not Johnny. He was drawing babies for it when I was still carrying him. On the street? Hundreds of drawings, but he …’

‘… waits for them to turn into two or three before he’ll paint them. I must go back to work. Sophie will probably hope for your company if you can stay. She’s the new one. This will be the first day she took off her smock for me. Those perfect teacup breasts.’

‘I noticed. You could move the table a little from the wall.’

He smiles. ‘If I had a wife, you would have been too much like her. No, you’re Paul’s notion of a perfect woman. You weren’t stupid enough, or simple enough, and you had no clients to bring me. But sometimes I tell myself, “I need Emma’s colour.” Let me show you.’

The landscape is aligned just so to the afternoon light. The sun dapples the forest floor, the wildflowers are blooming, the flowers carpeting the earth making a bed for eternal sleep. Another act of senseless beauty, the promised sleep of happy thoughts.

‘The trunks under the beech bark,’ he tells me. ‘That’s what I need you for. There’s just a hint of a colour where the bark has shredded. So I tell myself, “Emma’s hair.” Yes, hold Johnny, of course – its all right.’

He has placed a stool for me in front of a dropcloth that hangs from the ceiling, neutral grey, splashed with colours that follow the wrinkles. When I tell him my problem, he bats his head with embarrassment and pulls a horsehair armchair to the middle of the room, placing it just so. I sit and let the windowlight soothe my neck, take off my cap and loosen my hair from its pins and my dress from the shoulders. I’m facing the dropcloth, where he has pinned sketch after sketch of dreaming women, tacking them to the shelves. The air is streaked with colour.

‘Paul is the sun,’ he says, ‘and you are the moon. I know where you are this moment. When neither of us can see him, where is he?’

 

 

Since than night at the Marzipan, I’ve wanted to take Johnny to the zoo behind the Pleasure Palace at the base of the Imperial Folly. There’s an excursion for us. I want to take him there while he’s still an animal himself. So I order a fiaker one morning. Johnny wrapped in two soft blankets and another for his head, under my black cloak. He gets in free. The west is winning the weather battle today: the sky is low and dark, a sheet of satin steel over our heads. But down here on earth the air still bites and the snow squeaks under wheels and sticks to boots like ice cream. Avenues of cypresses pull us towards the entrance, where I pay my ticket. We’re the only visitors for a long time, rootless cosmopolitans in a world that won’t acknowledge us, a universe of two.

The world was meant to be a single organism; it wasn’t supposed to be possible or necessary for people to separate themselves from it. But what has history done to us? What have we done to ourselves with history? It demands that we shave off pieces of ourselves, feed them to the powers and authorities. Yet somehow we must maintain our barriers. In this world now, which has travelled beyond our understanding, you have to know who you are and what the world is and stay clear in your head which is which, where the border is, and how to stay integral while you walk it. Good luck. Two days ago, at grandfather’s, while he was holding Johnny at his kitchen table, he told me: ‘He’s raising himself, Emma. He’s the microcosm of a single being. We all come into the world that way. You’ve planted him on this earth. Now you’ll feed him and water him. This year is the easy part, you know – the hard part is going to be when you have to teach him that the world isn’t self-organizing the way he is right now. That it’s a machine we don’t have in us to control, coming from one place not who we are and going to the next place that isn’t who we are. That journey is what he’ll need to survive one day.’

I’ve been out this way often enough, walked the path along the edge of the zoo, which is on the way to Gus’s studio, and to the Imperial Folly and the Cyclops Fountain, and heard the ghost lions roaring and the spectral jackals laughing out their hysteria. I’ve always feared the animal world, yet here I am, slogging through fear with careful little steps. The outdoor cages first, and I hold Johnny in front of me to see. Bison like peasant cottages, big and solid but tattered everywhere. Their breath steam rising until it vanishes against the low clouds. The giraffe – why? I must be too much of a city person, because they look ridiculous to me, though their eyes are entrancing from down here, huge, brown, and a little bulbous, with lashes you can tie knots in. Gentle creatures who mean no harm. Where are the dangerous ones I’ve always imagined?

I’m getting too cold to be patient, but Johnny is in his element. I hadn’t expected that. His eyes open five weeks now, wide open at the sky from his blanket roll but still learning to connect. He hasn’t learned to sort things out, so I doubt if he’ll remember this. Everything is still always new to him, and what a blessing that must be. The blessing of babyhood – everything new every day. Every sight a new path and the paths not treaded so deep you can’t see over. He sees from the top of Baby Mountain. He recognizes me, and looks me in the eye, and I make a monkey sound to make him sneer and his hands shoot out. Then the lions roar, and my heart skips a beat.

Tigers, actually. I’ve seen pictures of those. One of them is fighting himself over a bone, batting it between his claws, pouncing from above. Johnny starts to cry, smart lad. There’s anger in Mister Tiger’s eyes, but it’s a woman’s anger – the caged kind. He’s not happy to be angry, let me tell you. Women’s anger explodes at the world. Men have the luxury of siting their targets, which sounds like more fun.

Now the monkeys. I’ve been avoiding them all my life, but I don’t want him to fear them just because I do. You have a son, I tell myself, for his sake you must learn not to fear monkeys. We step into the monkey house and I feel the wind stop as the door blows shut behind us, and for a moment I feel trapped, but once I battle that off, and pry my eyes open again, I’m proud of us both. I step in front of the first cage and make myself look, and Johnny seems to understand them right away. Monkeys are professional babies with pinched little faces. They chatter and simper along their branches and swing from their tails. They don’t grow up. They do nothing all day but talk monkey talk, and they don’t seem to miss much with their eyes. They stare right into mine and Johnny’s, and Johnny stares back with his mouth open and bubbling. Johnny want his rattle? I slip it from my pocket and place it against his chest, just to be sure, and he grabs it with his right hand and shakes it at them. The next cage, the next. Each time they follow us along the bars, wondering if we’re one of them. But soon they turn away, no, no stimulation here, no promise of food or a warm place to comb their fur. As they turn their backs, we walk to the next cage. I watch them pace their branches, watch them eat. That guy, he picks up an orange slice and bites down with his baby teeth so the juice sprays. My how fun.

‘Come to momma.’ Johnny gives me an eye contact moment while he sucks his rattle. I put my finger in his mouth to see how he grabs it. He used both hands, but then drops the left one, and I breathe again.

Lions, hyenas, bears. Hyenas are crazy, you can tell by their laugh, and I watch them long, waiting if I’ll start laughing with them … nothing. I just can’t share the hyena joke. Bears aren’t much – when they’re in cages, they’re hard not to laugh at, but I leave them their pride.

But the wolf … oh my, I didn’t expect this. He’s curled up in his brick den in the back of his cage in a dip he’s clawed from the earth, and suddenly I no longer see the cage, I no longer hear the city, and I’m holding Johnny closer than he needs. You look at a picture of a wolf, or a drawing, or you close your eyes and think of a wolf, and that doesn’t do it. You don’t see its life, you don’t feel its pulse, you don’t see the wolfness of this existence. There’s all of a world’s wild intelligence in a wolf’s eyes when they look back. Wordless, nameless, soundless. The wolf is not me or anything else, it has always been its own separate nature. The inhuman wisdom that cruelty allows, the hunger for other lives with all of its shifting calculations. This wolf has travelled right to the end of time, and he’s looking back from it, looking at us. When you’ve seen the end of the world, when you’ve been where time runs out, can anything matter to you afterwards? And having seen that look today, I’ll go home knowing where I’ve seen it before this, and that I’m going to want Johnny to be ready for it the first time he sees it. Ready the way I was not.

When I walk, where doesn’t Paul see me go? I can make the hundred metres to the tram stop without stopping to rest. Then the tram takes me across the river down the Grand Artery to grandfather’s shop on the Isle of Jews. Yesterday afternoon Johnny and I spent the day there, on a crooked lane off a side street in his rooms behind his shop. Nothing much to those but a screened bed and a table and three chairs and the shelves where he keeps his books and the trunks where he keeps his papers. And through the little window across the little yard, Ostara’s stable and the cabbage bins. I can’t read the Hebrew books, but I can the French and Russian ones besides German. If he had any books in Czech, Paul and I could read them together.

And after his wife died ten years ago, he taught himself Latin and Italian both, though he’s warned me not to look at his papers in those tongues. He had to learn them so that he could read one hundred years of Cività Catholica, the Vatican newspaper, and now he’s working backward in time from there. He’s told me what’s in them, though. He wants to write a history of the blood libel. It has a history, he says. Humans invented it, God never would have. History is something people make, a responsibility we share with all the strangers on earth. You think the story has always been around, but no, it’s the Catholics that started it, in the Papal States, two hundred years ago when the popes were looking for excuses to keep the Jews in their ghettoes. Then it seeped across Europe from there. Documents about that he keeps in the stable, in a wooden crate in the harness room. He knows he won’t have time to finish his work, but he’s cataloguing what he’s finding, and he’s going to leave the papers to his friends on the Isle, hoping that someone else will continue. (Paul, a Catholic? Celebrant, no less? At our cottage he is. I found a hard guy for grandfather to trust. He’s never told me how hard it must have been, but really … it worked out.)

It’s dark at his kitchen table, which looks onto a crooked lane, so you need a lantern even in the day, but every kind of light has its own warmth and a horse blanket and soft cushion makes it warmer still. That room is the only place where he wears a yarmulke, though he says it’s only to stay warm and to succor some of his customers when they come in the front. When outside bell rings, I recognize the voices of his customers, and some of them recognize me with a cooing grin, show the baby. Sometimes a cart of cabbage backs into the yard, and he drives a deal with whoever and they unload it together into an empty bin. Then at one o’clock grandfather joins me for cabbage soup with caraway and paprika and dense black bread and mugs of black, black tea. I feel enclosed here, but not by anything cruel. I don’t often just visit like this, so why does it feel so normal? Why does feeling loved feel so normal? It isn’t as if I was ever a child here, yet here I am, feeling safe the way every child likes to be, and when I hold Johnny, he’s safe in my arms the way I’m safe in this room. Sometimes lately I feel overwhelmed by the desire to protect them both – the lad and his grandfather. It’s frightening how little else I want to do except that, even when I remember and miss how much larger my own world used to be.

Yesterday I pushed Johnny’s perambulator all the way up Procession Street as far as the Opera House. I’d been hearing that street through our north windows, from out of sight, and now I wanted to see it again. Mistake, with the pedestrians and the carts double-stopped on the pavement, and the black ice under the spindrift, and the shop doors catching in the wind in my face. I’m steadier on my feet these days, but I’m still not quick enough for this. We hid from the spear-tipped gale in a carriage gate, with me deep in my black hood and with my back to the world. I remembered how big this city was compared to me. Then I stared down at Johnny, who remembered nothing – just looked at me: What are you? And for a moment he was me and I the world entire.

 

I was meant to always negotiate my life, coming up to it sideways on soft soles in conditional mode: would, could, should, ought, a function of everyone else’s desired whims. I’m only glad my teachers were a bad example, or a reverse good example: yes, Emma, one day, if we’re unlucky, you’ll learn never to be what we are. So I’m steeled for that world if it ever catches up to me. But I do all right in the parallel one I’ve engendered with him.

I’m always practical when Paul isn’t there. I’ve trained myself. Grant you, he almost always is there: in person (which is my preference); or coming back from somewhere, which he does once or twice a day. When I picture my guy, he’s usually in the mode of coming back from someplace, stepping through a door or coming round a corner, our emotional vectors honed on the same point, never quite parallel (though parallel ones connect too, if you travel them quickly enough – that’s the new theory this year). Or in the marks he’s left behind on all I see. I’ve learned to step around those – he leaves space for that.

Besides me being mad for him, and knowing (from the sight of him coming back) that he’s mad for me, these seven years have been good. The gods have spoiled us beyond reason. My guy, you need to see what he looks like when he isn’t there, when it’s just me there and he’s filling my head. He injects himself into the world – he’s got the walk that tells you, he’s got the long stare when he needs to throw it. He’s brave without having to reach for it; he can scare people whenever he knows he has to. The world angers him, but in the part he can affect, he knows what he needs to do next, so there’s no bitterness to his nature, no sense of loss, no existential grief at being half-alive. Almost everyone else I’ve ever met has been half-dead compared to him, so who else could I want to be near? And he shows me every moment we’re together without thinking to that it’s me he wants. Besides, a name like Karsch, there’s going to be a lot of success out there for him, for us, in the crowd – not the family money (which he won’t touch), but the entitled kind that he knows is just as much his birthright – which means we can play together for lots of extra happiness now that we’ve brought our own to the table.

I know that periwinkle-eyed bastard is out there, so it can’t matter to me whether Paul finds him or not. It won’t stop him from being out there, whatever Paul’s thinking of doing about him. It’s the darker side of pride that’s making Paul want to find him (it’s what he’s thinking, of course), and nothing to do with me. Don’t, Paul – I told him right when he came back from the Rosemeyrs’ with the canvases – don’t look for him. I’ll surmount this on my own. I already know I will. I have too much at stake not to do it myself. That’s what I told him. Which means he’ll do it without telling me, out of a faulted notion of what’s good for me. When you love a guy, and he completely misses the point of you sometimes, you just have to accept how love starts out as an overpowering truth before it turns into a mystery you’re never going to solve.

[25] The devouring of immortality

 

Stand on a sidewalk within sight of Poland Station for ten minutes and count all the people who pass – the ones tumbling out of the factories, the downlooking streetsweepers, the mail carriers and horseless carters, the junior assistant clerks with paper collars, the shoeblacks and beggars and petty thieves. They won’t always be with us. Most of them will be dead within five years by bullets or bombs or the great pestilence. Bullets will be the easiest way to go, if they’re accurate – they kill like magic, you don’t even hear crack. Bombs will be just as sure if you’re close enough but horribly uncertain if you’re not. Pestilence … You don’t want to die that way. You get pestilence and people won’t want to know or remember you. For an experiment, walk down this same sidewalk this year shouting, ‘The end of the world is nigh.’ You’ll be laughed at, you’ll be punched in the face, you’ll be locked up and scolded. Because imagination takes money, must you know? The people of the Inner World know it’s coming because they’re the ones who want it. The people around the Poland Station don’t have money and wouldn’t know what to do with it beyond spending it as quickly as they can in a lokal beneath the Great Wheel. A mile north, vineyards climb the tree-bordered fields, shaded lanes climb gentle hills, bankers and owners shut out the world in stuccoed villas. A mile to the west, the empire’s heart is still beating in the breast of a senile God-King for whom the past blocks all view of the future. And a mile to the east, the great plain begins, one thousand marches deep, always a wind there, would you listen. No one looks that way – the horizon has always been empty, what’s the point. Much better to look to the south. And a half-mile to the south, well, yes, imagine that – a Mighty Wheel. Because in the Dream City, if you’re poor, the amusement park is the centre of your existence. Life in the new century will be not short but fast. And with its speed it will overtake and trample the powerless, and here is where they are stockpiled.

On a side street off the tram line is a hostel for workers with a touch more money than none at all. If they are moral gentlemen and have a stamped form that says so, they find a haven. It is a small, perfect world for the lucky. They’re in storage here for the steel rain. They find life here regimented but not oppressively, and most of them are glad for the routine it enforces in a world whose fever is about to spike just out of their view. Single men in labourers’ jobs, junior clerks, can just afford it. They leave in the dark for their twelve-hour day, return in the dark for their bed and their roof. Many can’t find work and stay until their money runs out. Then a few have a scam going. During the day, the lounge is the place for them. There’s one, cutting silhouettes out of black paper – the Council House, the Parliament, a woman in a bonnet with a high collar and pert nose. People will pay for these? There’s another, mending an umbrella. He collects broken ones from the rubbish tips, straightens the ribs, resews the rubberized cotton, and sells them to corner shops.

There’s nothing remarkable here, not here. So let’s look instead at the first dog we see … that one. No dogs are allowed in the men’s hostel, but the residents feed this one scraps every day and pet him as they go in and out. None of the residents know his name. Just that he’s a little guy with one crooked ear and a pointed muzzle and ribs showing where his yellow coat is falling out in patches. His back right leg is always half-cocked and trembling. Unless he’s eating a bit of pork or half a salt roll, he’s usually on his haunches, licking his sores. It’s eight-thirty in the morning. We know this because Wolfie is slouching and cringing his way along the pavement through the soot-covered snow in his greasy overcoat and long, curled-up hair with a bottle of milk in one hand and a bleached-flour roll in the other. He puts the milk bottle down on the sidewalk and grins. He thinks he’s grinning. What he does really is open his mouth wide to make an oval and sigh through it. His cornflower-blue eyes, slightly popped, make eye contact with the little guy, who crouches down even lower with his tail beating between his legs.

‘Little dog, what’s your name, eh? Still don’t know? Do you know how to bark? Do you want to bark for me?’

The little guy tries to lick the hand with the roll in it. Wolfie jerks his hand back and sees two children coming by.

‘He wants your breakfast,’ the boy says.

‘I need it myself,’ Wolfie tells them. ‘So much work, never enough time.’ He stares at the two children, a blond boy and a blonde girl, Hansel and Gretel in an industrial scrubland. They’re eating this week – the father must have found a day job. The boy, the older one, glances at the hostel sign. Mother warns him and his sister about those people in there, and now there they’ve gone, speaking to one. Now it’s too late not to talk to him. They’ve met his eye, you see, and this one has a way of looking at children that locks them in place: I know how to frighten people, but I won’t frighten you. They think they see a humourless clown with a buttress nose and popped eyes, dressed in a baggy coat, but what do they know about what Wolfie himself sees?

And truly, he would never frighten a child on purpose. He misses being one too much for that. He remembers childhood games of Cowboys and Indians, Boers and British, and wonders if they would play if he got up the nerve to ask.

‘Then give us the roll,’ the girl says.

Wolfie’s mouth gapes silently again, his lips pulled down over his crooked brown teeth. ‘I can’t do that either, child,’ he says. ‘My father, he was a tax inspector in Passau. For the Emperor, see? He always taught me to work for my bread. I worked all yesterday for this loaf, and now I’ll work all today for the next one.’ Thank goodness for children, he tells himself. You can talk sensibly to them, and that thought he just expressed was a profound one to him. ‘You like dogs, do you? One day you’ll have one. This one doesn’t have a name.’

‘Yes he does,’ the girl says. ‘His name’s Hero. He’s Mr Becker’s dog.’

The look on his face, when he turns to them again, makes the little girl begin to cry and the boy throw out his arm to protect her while they both back away. Yet Wolfie has done nothing but look at her, just her, and imagine what power to erase her must be like. His mouth begins to flap open and shut. He wrenches his head from the sound of her words and blinks them out of his mind. When he looks up they are gone.

He is battling a sour mood when he takes his chair in the breakfast room a half-hour later. He has scrubbed his bone-pale face in the communal washroom and dressed neatly in weeks-old underwear and a flannel jacket from the last century, which he has buttoned to the neck to hide his flabby chest. Now he sits down and takes his tea-with-the-duchess pose, straight-backed and knees together, and pushes his almost black hair out of his left eye with the palm of his right hand. He lines up his table easel in the winter windowlight, opens his watercolour box to count the pencils and brushes and little pots of paint, and places his ruler and compass just there along the edge of the table. He glances around the table – yes they’re all there, most of them anyway. Joe the baker, young Ivor just back from Szeged, Robert the socialist clerk, and Sol the educated one. Hans is missing, gone who knows where, but he is learning to tolerate life’s inconsistencies. No, he tells himself, I’m not going to give the missing Hans a thought. After all, what difference does it really make if Hans is there or not? Hans can go wherever he wants to. Yes, there are two types of people in the world, no matter what axe you use to break it, there are always only two. Breakfast is in front of him: a plate of cold rice pudding he made in the kitchen the night before and a jar of milk he has warmed on the stove. He delights in his food, which is always the same and always white. He will go for weeks on nothing but rice pudding and milk and a bleached roll. Then binge on vanilla éclairs and go hungry for three days after that. Robert is eyeing a newspaper on the window ledge, and Wolfie reaches quickly to get it first, the fastest anyone sees him move. The Christian Worker, never mind. He begins rattling the pages, looking for something he can agree with, whether it takes all day. And even if he can’t agree, the lies he reads will remind him of the truth. It is a man’s unwavering duty to know the truth of his enemy. Yes, his rigid and unwavering duty. He will be sitting here until at least the late morning, as long as it takes him to read the papers stacked up from yesterday, and then begin to draw the Council House with his rulers and compass. His mates are watching him. When he looks up they’ve leaned closer.

‘Hey, Wolfie, I didn’t know you read the Worker.’

As if he didn’t expect this. That’s somebody from the other table, who moved in last week and – he can tell – wants his chair. He won’t get it – every new arrival wants his chair, but Wolfie has been in the hostel longer than anyone, and this newcomer will learn that quickly enough. No, the other old-timers agree, the place just wouldn’t be the same without Wolfie in that chair. But the new guy hasn’t given up yet – he’s been goading him for three days and is still searching for his number, certain (as he well should be) that there is one.

Christian Worker,’ someone else says. ‘That’s some kind of con, isn’t it, Wolfie? I thought all the socialists were Jews.’

‘Only most of them,’ Wolfie says. ‘And then some Germans fall for their lies. What power can a lie have if no one believes it? It’s a tragedy, I know, that people are distracted by the lies in this. I’m saying that you have to be special to read this sheet for the lie it is.’ And he certainly is special, but everyone already knows that.

‘No more of that talk,’ Robert says to the next table. This happens too often, and sometimes it’s even funny, even to Wolfie’s faction. There are the guys at Wolfie’s table, who have learned to live with his eccentricities, and there are the guys at the other tables, who prod him as a sport, scoring points when he loses control. There is almost always something that will do it. Two guys from the next table have silently stepped behind him, on either side of his chair, blocking the windowlight, and are breathing on his neck while they read the paper over his shoulder. Wolfie shivers at their presence but doesn’t turn around.

‘Look at this,’ he says, ‘the parliamentary debates. These are always an education. How much longer do we have to endure this? The empire should have fallen apart decades ago. All the Czechs and Poles and Slovenes who demonstrate about wanting their freedom – you’re all too blind to see. They’re doing more to keep this corpse from rotting than anyone else. Never mind their displays – they like things just the way they are, with the government pandering to them. Parasites, I tell you. They’re going to keep feeding on us till we throw them out in one body. All at once, in one body, I tell you. That’s the only way. I’ve often wondered why every empire in history except this one has always collapsed.’

There’s a question,’ someone says. ‘Maybe it’s a matter of – ’

‘I have often wondered,’ Wolfie interrupts, and gives the interlocutor a venomous stare – he almost lost it there – ‘why every other empire in history has always collapsed. One day when I have time I’m going to spend a week in the library and find out. Unfortunately, there aren’t any good books on the subject. Books lie just as easily as people. The best school is still the hardest one, and by that I mean experience.’

One of the men behind him is leaning on the table, brushing the protractor out of kilter. Wolfie flips a hand at them dismissively and straightens it again. The longer he’s lived here, more better he’s learned to expect this from the people around him.

‘It’s getting hot in here, isn’t it, Wolfie,’ says the other while the rest of the room watches with half an eye. There’s a campaign going on, and those can be fun till they work.

‘By parasites, do you mean the Jews, Wolfie?’ That’s the next table again, and a silent groan wafts up from Wolfie’s table. His circle has seen this too often. Watch the other table … heads huddled, entertaining themselves by looking for a stick to prod him into a tantrum. If the socialists don’t work, try the Jews or the Czechs, and if those don’t work, try the prostitutes. But it has to be something that Wolfie doesn’t see coming, and by now he’s almost immune to their usual sorties.

‘I’ve got nothing against Jews,’ Wolfie shrugs. ‘Sol, tell those people if I’ve ever said a word against your people.’

‘You don’t hate Jews more than any other German I don’t know,’ Sol tells him. ‘That makes you and me almost brothers, Wolfie.’

The irony flies over Wolfie’s head, the way it always does. ‘There, you see? Ah, there’s Hans for us.’ It’s Hans who sells Wolfie’s little watercolours for him. Wolfie is no good at all at that – too shy around strangers. When he tries to sell them for himself, he stands outside the shop window for an hour with his hands cupped over his groin, pretending to be a lamppost, fear, shame, and anger all fuelling one another. The tax inspector’s son from Passau is humiliated by the thought of working. So Wolfie is the artist of the German soul, and Hans is Wolfie’s agent. Hans glances at the other table. The four of them over there have stood up in a chorus line. Each is slouched over, knock-kneed, his left hand covering his groin, the right one pushing his hair from his left brow.

‘Knock it off,’ Hans tells them. ‘He has to work today. You are working today, aren’t you, Wolfie?’

‘Of course,’ Wolfie tells him. ‘Right now I’m too busy. Is that the German Call over there? Now that’s a newspaper.’

Someone from a third table tosses it to him, and Wolfie tosses the Christian Worker back. The lead story in the Call is about a police raid on a brothel staffed by under-age Aryan girls. There has been no time to prepare an illustration – the caption says – but it will be provided in the next day’s issue. At last the truth, Wolfie sighs to himself. The others are watching him read. Tonight he will borrow Hans’s coat and line up at the Court Opera for standing tickets to The Flying Dutchman. That’s why they can do little to upset him today, not even those fools at the next table, or the ones behind him: the overture is already playing in his head. He’ll have to sleep outside on the steps tonight for missing the evening curfew, but he won’t care.

‘This is the paper that will answer all your questions,’ he announces.

‘Life just wouldn’t be the same without you to read The Call for us,’ Sol tells him. Some of the others nod, missing the irony again.

‘The vibration of the German soul,’ he says.

‘What’s that, Wolfie?’ Hans asks, eyeing the easel and waiting for Wolfie to follow his gaze.

‘I’m thinking, that’s all. Pity is useless for girls like the ones here.’ He taps the newspaper article with his finger. ‘There’s no use in pity. Anger, now that’s something that can do some good. It’s shameful that the government is too corrupt to stop these things at the seed.’

‘Where was the brothel?’ someone asks.

‘Where do you think? Ten minutes’ walk towards the fairgrounds.’ He shivers. ‘Oh, yes, you all know about that street, don’t you?’

‘A guy like you doesn’t have any time for women,’ says Ivor, at his own table.

‘Certainly not,’ Wolfie says. He ignores their sniggers, too busy reading to notice the others leaning closer. Ivor mops his brow with a soiled handkerchief and drops it over Wolfie’s pencil case. Wolfie only shakes his head and flicks it aside to the floor.

His long coat is much too big for him. He hasn’t taken it off in months. He could dress better, but in the days when he had no choice but to dress like a tramp, he learned to endure rags like these. His jet-brown hair has been growing since September until now it is making ringlets at his shoulders, a camel tail over his left eye. His face is fastidiously shaven except for a handlebar mustache that brushes his ears. Face, ghost pale; chin, weak and soft; nose, an oversized pyramid. His eyes are practising a game only he knows, staring fixed at Hans, the whites showing all around. They are pale to the point of translucence and they always shock people. When he learned that people often stared at them, he developed a game out of staring back, learning how to hold the stares he received. When he catches someone looking into them he … He doesn’t know himself what locks them to him. He just knows how, and that to hold a stare sends a blast of warmth through him. It’s the only power he has found in this world. Behind those eyes breeds a perfect stillness, immaculate certainty. The world rejected him years ago, but having driven him as low is it could, it also stopped punishing him. It has moved on to other victims and left him with this familiar chair in this dull building on a workers’ street, where he can be left alone as long as he chooses, dabbing out four kroner a week and dreaming of a world as perfect as the one he phantasizes. There is no secret to the peace he has found in this small world – rather, there is, but only he has learned it: one simply needs not care about others. A soul is a fragile thing, and he has killed his own, and having done that, he can go out in the world without fear of suffering by it. That is the power he has learned: to arrest people with his stare and tell them you mean nothing, and even more, to know that it’s become true.

He is eerily happy at that moment. His eyes are already softening to the music’s spell. Whatever feelings he still has are beginning to vibrate with it. What is he thinking? One can’t say he ever thinks. It isn’t his nature to wonder at things. For him, nothing is hidden; the world is no more than its surfaces and he has already convinced himself that he reads them perfectly.

‘Change,’ he says, and the others turn to stare at him in unison. How does he make them all do that? Not even Wolfie himself knows. ‘The world changes or it dies. But if it changes for the worse, better that it dies. Look at me – I threw my cigarettes into the river last year. I was smoking twenty-five or even thirty every day. Then one day I spent one of my last two groschen on a piece of bread and went looking for cigarettes to feed my habit. But then I thought, instead I could have a piece of ham with my bread. And that’s when I threw them into the river. A man has to change every day, something about himself every day. If we all did that the world would be better in a week.’

In fact, nothing around him ever changes, and he flees from change whenever he can.

The ones who know him haven’t paid attention to his words. They are exactly what he has said at breakfast at least once a week for months. The newer residents are listening for the first time. He looks back without blinking, but he doesn’t try to hypnotize them today.

‘I’m like Lohengrin,’ he says. ‘Nobody knows my real name. That’s what killed him in the end – he told people who he really was, and then they learned all the rest. Let that be a lesson – never keep secrets. When you let the truth out immediately, it can do you no harm. When you hold it back, it destroys you when it comes out. No one can hide it forever.’

Few think ill of him here – even the Jewish residents have an exasperated grin for him. He has eccentricities and contorted opinions and occasional tantrums, but who doesn’t have those, a place like this? He is the one who takes the collection plate around when one of the long-timers can’t make the week’s rent. The one men turn to with complaints about conditions (few enough), and then he takes them to the hostel’s director. Three years have placed him among the elite here. No one sits in his chair, no one complains of him. He has no friends, but these strangers let him hide among them and give him an audience when he looks for one.

‘You’re a simple man, right,’ says Carl, another old-timer, with the off-hand intonation of someone calling for another round. Even the other table has stopped goading him in order to listen.

‘And lucky to be one,’ he says. ‘For a simple man, the world is simple. You must be careful what you read, for example. Never the Free Press. The very ink in that rag curdles my blood. Oh yes, it doesn’t take long to learn all there is to learn from the Free Press. But that’s this city for you – this cacaphony. This plague – that’s what it is. The hatching ground for the plague of the twentieth century. Oh, there’s some who understand. Lanz von Liebenfehls in Ostara, for example – he knows who’s who, let me tell you. Where two bloods come together, there is always pollution. Both sides weaken. How can they anything else? Purity is the greatest strength and there is less of that here in this city than anywhere else in Germandom. The other day I ran into a young woman I recognized, by pure fate. I believe in fate, you know. Yes, fate and purity.’

He stops a moment – don’t say hesitate, for when he’s in the mood to expound and the audience is there, he never hesitates. But he stops to turn the two words over in his mind, finds a gap for them between two other polished thoughts. The others sit back and wait for him to go on, wondering whether it will end with a bang, because sometimes he talks himself into a tantrum before anyone needs to help him.

‘A Jewess she was, the red-haired type, and he was some kind of painter, though I can’t say whether he was a good one or not. We have to doubt it, since nothing good can come from the culture of this city, for reasons I don’t have time to discuss. And there she was – his wife now. I know her parents’ home. A friend took me to it once when we arrived in this city a few years ago. He was a chamber musician for hire, a violist, and this Jewess was their daughter. Do you see now? That’s what Jews do nowadays – they surround themselves with German culture but as soon as a Jew gets hold of it, he degrades it. Fifty years ago the emperor built the Great Boulevard out there to revive his empire, and yes, there was hope then to turn his kingdoms into a showcase of the German folk. But look what happened. All of this empire’s Jews and Czechs and Hungarians and Poles discovered a good thing and came flooding in. Oh, yes, they want what every good German wants, exactly the same things. One mustn’t blame them for that. But as soon as they touch it, it isn’t worth wanting any more. They change it, you see. It makes all the difference whether a German owns a Makart canvas, or a Jew. A wealthy man her father was. A manufacturer of something light. When I walked through their rooms I saw everything that anyone of culture would want. It was exquisite. But because a Jew owned it, all of it was tainted. It’s like that everywhere in this city. Whenever you see something ugly here, look for one of them. If a Jew hasn’t made it, he’s bought it or he’s sold it. Something beautiful that a German made is suddenly ugly because a Jew touched it.’

Some are listening, some have left, some are eating breakfast.

‘A beautiful apartment they had, looking down on the boulevard, close to the Council House. Full of solid German furniture, fine German crystal and tapestries, and in the music room a rosewood piano by Heitzing. But the people I saw there? It made me sour, I tell you, because the soul of a people can only be degraded by exposure to aliens. One needed only look once to tell that real Germans weren’t there. A Jew can only play at being a German, he always gets it wrong. It’s like sending monkeys to school. They can’t learn anything there except to become apes, so the education system can’t help but be destroyed, because no German can learn anything around monkeys except to become a monkey himself.

‘So a few days ago I’m over at Rosemeyr’s selling one of my watercolours, and in comes the daughter on the arm of this Sudeten Czech, which as you know is almost a German. They even had a baby with them. Of course, if I hadn’t known she was a Jew, I would have had to wonder. Really, you have to train yourself to notice some of the Westernized ones. But my point: What hope does their child have? There’s a life without a future, being neither one thing nor the other, belonging nowhere. And the two parents? They were obviously miserable, trapped in a loveless marriage. It isn’t as if one should blame the parents for mixing their blood like that. It’s the fault of the state itself, for tearing up the laws forbidding them to marry. One can’t expect everybody to avoid the worst thing when the state tells them it’s acceptable. I remember her now, sitting on a stool while her mother played the piano, turning the sheet music. I don’t know if she’s beautiful, I don’t try to judge such things. She saw me staring at her, and it frightened her. I was only trying to be sure what she was, but to be looked at by a true German like me was enough to shame her. I was feeling sorry for her, like anyone would who sees a young girl who will never belong anywhere. She fled the room, poor child, when she saw me staring.

‘Now years later, there she is again. Who knows why fate brought us together a second time? She was not a happy woman. The perfect example of a miserable Jew. Saddled with a husband she had no right to marry (and she must know that now), a child who can belong nowhere, a society she can only survive in by hiding. I have no complaint against her personally. I only wish her kind would go away. And if they don’t, where is the plan? Because we Germans must act in the end. This empire now is too weak to ever do that. In Berlin or Munich, perhaps one day, but we here are too far gone down this road. I tell you, we recognized each other, and I frightened her again, just like the first time, except now instead of running, she fainted. I don’t blame her for being what she is. My contempt is only for the empire for allowing people like her to exist.’

‘Fate and purity,’ intones some guy at the other table.

‘Exactly,’ Wolfie tells him with a look and a nod, while the others keep listening. ‘Fate and purity.’

‘Well okay,’ says the guy. ‘So what’s the third?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You said there were three things that matter. Right, didn’t he, guys?’

‘Three, definitely,’ comes the chorus.

‘So come on, Wolfie, what’s the third?’

‘Oh no,’ Hans mutters, staring at the blank postcard on the easel while the other table starts chanting ‘Three! … Three! … Three! …’ That bastard genius. You can hear the triumph in their voices: got you, Wolfie. Who is already on his feet, swinging his ruler like a sword, his back arched at the ceiling.

‘You know nothing!’ he screams. ‘You are nothing! Why do I waste my time with ignorant scum like you? The whole pile of you will never amount to anything. Do you know what you all deserve? Well do you?’ For moment he doesn’t know either. ‘You aren’t worthy!’ His voice rises to shrillness. ‘The shame I feel at the sight of you would make you shrivel up if you had the brains or the soul to feel it in yourself. You deserve to be rubbed out! Do you hear me, rubbed out, rubbed out, rubbed out! You worthless scum, God would give you paradise and you throw it away on … on –’

The others at his table have fallen back in their chairs, each thinking, ‘Don’t look in his eyes.’ The guys at the other table are looking ashamed of themselves, and two of them sneak away while others come to the doorway to watch. Everyone knows about this, yet people still come to watch. In five minutes it is over, and it is always over the same way. He pushes back his hair, and slams down his ruler, and wipes his mouth with his coat collar, and screams – the only clearly spoken words he has uttered for the last moments, and the only ones that sound human –

‘How much more of you do you think I can take!’ he sobs. ‘I’m sick of wasting my time on worthless shit like you!’

And slams out the door.

The echoes take a moment to die. Two or three of the guys take their cupped hands from their ears.

‘Did you look in his eyes?’ someone asks Hans.

‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ he gasps. ‘I’d have to be crazier than he is. Hey, did anybody look in his eyes?’