[34] Songs humbled and stilled

Paul likes to make me laugh, because when I’m laughing I’m not crying, or arguing with him. I can’t do either while I’m laughing. Now Johnny tries to make me laugh, too. He hasn’t yet, but I can see him trying. He’s started to recognize me – I can see it in his eyes, ‘Oh, it’s you.’ How do we learn to love? If the world never taught us, then how? Now I think we’re born with that gift, and a few of us, somehow, haven’t lost it. Johnny is like Paul nowadays – he just is. But Johnny has never been anything but what he is – his life has no story yet.

When I met Paul, it took months to start falling into step with my own feelings. It was mostly about sex with a strong handsome guy at the start, and wanting to please him enough that I’d get more. That’s how it started – as a sensation, something I felt against someone else’s skin. What followed filled us while we were distracted. Not like with Johnny. I had no concept that I could love another creature this easily and for no reason. How did I learn that?